All Generalizations are False

"All giraffes walk in single file. At least the one I saw did." That is a paraphrase of something my Grandfather used to say (but he used a less politically correct reference to an ethnic group. Forgive him; he lived in a different time.). His point in saying it was to teach us that many of our assumptions and most all our generalizations are incorrect.

Why do I say this? I feel I owe an apology to some who have read some of my recent postings. I made some statements that were very broad generalizations, and as I look back and re-read them, I now see how potentially hurtful and confusing they may have been.

What I'm referring to is this: I stated in very broad terms that anyone (and thus implying everyone) dealing with SGA could in fact get married in this life if they choose to if only they have enough faith and if they apply the blessings of the Savior's Atonement to this specific issue. Oh, if only it was always that simple (notice I did not say easy!).

For some, I believe a mixed-orientation marriage (MOM) is simply not possible in this life. I know some with SGA who are so homosexually-oriented on the homosexual/heterosexual scale that a MOM would be impossible for him or her to consider. I believe, too, they will have an opportunity to marry someone of the opposite gender in the next life because we're promised, as recently stated by Elder Holland, SGA is only (thankfully) a mortal challenge.

However, I believe more SGA men could get married to women than presently do. I've talked to many who could get married, at least from my perspective as one who has dealt with SGA my whole life and has lived very happily in a MOM for nearly 25 years. I've had some fairly in-depth discussions with them about why they aren't married.

Here are some of the reasons I've heard from SGA men as to why they don't think they can (or should) get married:
"I don't think I could ever be physically attracted to a woman."
"I wouldn't want to be dishonest to my wife about my attraction to men."
"I really want to be a father but I can't see myself ever getting married."
"I can't see myself ever being able to have sex with a woman."
"I'm finally comfortable with my life. I'm resolved to the fact that I'll be single and alone the rest of my life."
"I couldn't do that to a woman. It wouldn't be fair to her."
"It's too hard to find a woman who would want to be married to someone who is attracted to other men."

Many of these reasons could be valid in individual cases. Some are, in my opinion, convenient excuses, rooted in selfishness, and deny the Atonement to bring about a change of heart and a change of attraction, sufficient to allow a man with SGA to become a faithful husband and father. They also deny the free agency of a faithful woman who can see the potential of a wonderful man who, even while he is attracted to men, is also attracted to one woman, and freely chooses a celestial marriage to him.

Let me explain: We've been taught by prophets that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can bring about a change in our very nature. I testify that for some of us SGAers, that change in our nature can be such that our SGA can diminish enough - permanently - for us to fall in love with and be physically attracted to a woman. I don't suggest that all men with SGA can or should get married in this life. But I do believe that many more SGA men can get married than currently do.

First, I suggest that any LDS SGA man should inquire of the Lord if he should consider marriage in this life. I honestly don't believe Heavenly Father is going to tell someone to get married who cannot and absolutely should not. However, I believe each man with SGA should also counsel with his bishop or other priesthood leaders concerning marriage. He should fast and pray to determine Heavenly Father's will for him. In my experience, many of the SGA men I've spoken to about this issue haven't prayerfully, fervently pled with Father to really know what he should do. If he has, he knows what is right for him. If he hasn't, he can take the steps. Now that he knows what he should do, if it is right that he should marry, he needs to start looking (easier said than done, I know).

Once he finds a woman he's seriously interested in, he should inquire of the Lord as to the best time (prior to engagement) to discuss the issue of his SGA. It isn't a matter of if he should bring it up, it is a matter of when. The best, long-lasting MOMs work when spouses are open with each other from the beginning. While it would be ridiculous and foolish to bring up the SGA issue on the first date, as soon as things start getting serious, ask for the Savior's help in knowing when and how to discuss it. If you have a mature relationship and honest communication, you'll know when the time is right and the Lord will help both of you understand and see through the issue and its temporary (mortal) challenges.

You're probably asking yourself "What does this guy know?"

I can only tell you I followed the same steps I'm proposing to you over 20 years ago. I'm still very happily married. My wife and I have a wonderful marriage. It hasn't been all roses; we've had our share of trials. Some of them have been very difficult and a few have had to do with my SGA issues. My SGA has never gone away. I'm still attracted to men. I don't really have any desire to act on those feelings. But I'm also very much attracted to one woman. My wife knows and she is my greatest support and friend.

I've also talked to many SGA men in MOMs. Their stories are very similar to mine. Most of them are still happily married. Some are no longer married. The percentages of the ones I know about are not much different than divorces in same-orientation marriages.

The only way to know what Heavenly Father intends for you it to ask. I don't know what He wants for you, but I found out what He wanted for me, even though I thought it would be impossible for me to marry. Because I asked, I've been blessed beyond my greatest hopes and dreams.

Even though you may think it is impossible for you, too, I challenge you to ask. You deserve all the blessings Heavenly Father wants to give you. For some, those blessings include marriage to a pure-hearted woman in the House of the Lord (and creating an eternal family) - in this mortal life.

Light and Dark

Like most of you, I watched "The Mormons" on PBS. I knew it would be more objective and balanced than anything I'd seen before. I hoped it would show the Church in a favorable light, with real people telling real stories of hope and faith. I hoped, too, it would be honest enough to be credible to non-LDS people watching it. I also suspected I'd be a bit uncomfortable with some of it.

I was right on all counts. There were interesting and enlightening comments from well-respected academics. Several former members of the Church were interviewed. It was hard to tell sometimes if they still believed or not. It saddened me that the people being interviewed never disclosed the real reason for their excommunication. The audience was left with the impression the person was disciplined, cast out, for questioning or for thinking, for being an intellectual. My understanding is that people are excommunicated in these situations for trying to lead others astray. I also believe that in many of these cases, there is also major moral transgression. I was also distressed that the director never mentioned that any of those who had left the Church. either through the disciplinary process or by their own choice, would be welcomed back with open arms if they would repent.

But the thing that had the most profound impact on me was the contrast of light and dark between those who have the Spirit and those who do not.

Particularly when Elder Oaks or Elder Holland or Elder Jensen were interviewed, it was as though the Spirit radiated from them. When Brother Givens and the other members of the Church were interviewed - anytime those who believe were speaking the truth - the Spirit was manifest in their countenances.

Maybe it was just me. But there seemed to be a real difference of light and darkness between some people and others. Several of the "talking heads" came across, to me at least, as neutral, in the light vs. dark continuum.

In thinking about what made the interviewees different (those with light vs. those who came across without light), at least to me, may be this: perhaps those who have had the Spirit and who now deny it are those who felt as if they had no light, while those who still have the Spirit still have the light.

My hope is that viewers who watched objectively would notice the difference. That light is truth, the Light of Christ.

Gains and Losses

Life is full of gains and losses.

We gain eternal perspective. We lose our youth and memories of the milestones we looked forward to with such great anticipation.

We gain wisdom and experience. We gain perspective about ourselves and our struggles. We gain an appreciation for things that really matter, like family and friends and testimony. We gain the knowledge that we are not in a position to judge anyone else but ourselves (positions no one should want to be in but are sometimes called to be in).

We lose ourselves when we serve others. At times in our lives we lose the desire to accumulate things and instead accumulate memories.

Most of us will lose a job in our lifetimes. Most, too, will lose friends because of a misunderstanding or because we get lazy and let time and distance separate us.

Some will lose their membership in the church. Some of those will choose to find the path back, while others will lose their way and lose the blessings of the spirit.

A few will lose their spouse, usually by choice.

Some will lose hope they will ever find happiness in this life because of their same-gender attraction.

But in this life I think we can have more gains than losses. Right now admit I'm a little shaky in my confidence in the balance sheet ending up with more gains than losses, but deep down I believe it's true.

I've lost a lot lately; things that have been very important to me. To a degree, more than I'd like to admit, I've defined myself by them. It's possible I could lose even more in the near future.

Some of those losses would be temporary, but some of them are already permanent. To even think about them is more painful than I can bear sometimes. I have to remind myself this earth life is just a blink of an eye in the eternal scheme, but that doesn't help much when it's painful right here, right now.

But I've also gained far more than I ever imagined I would throughout this trial.

I've gained a much greater love for the Savior and a deeper understanding and appreciation for the Atonement. I've gained a deeper love for my wife and children, and for my extended family and many friends. I never really understood or appreciated how much they love and support me.

I have no doubt that when I look back on my life's balance sheet, the gains will far exceed the losses.

Multiple Choice, Part III

Let me first say that in my last post (Multiple Choice Part II), I wrote how I wished the Brethren would say something about men who probably shouldn't get married. I don't expect that to ever happen. In fact, I believe it shouldn't ever happen. The only reason I wish they could say something, at least perhaps through Bishops at the ward level in Priesthood Executive Meetings, is to educate ward leaders about single SGA men, to help meet their needs, to remove some of the stigma and stereotyping, especially for those SGA men who are living the gospel and are a little older than the 20-somethings in the local singles ward.

Let me explain. I believe the Atonement can make it possible for SGA men to get married if they want to do so. I also believe many more SGA men could get married than do. I know of many who have successfully gotten married, and stayed married, and who live in happy, fulfilling marriages today, some for 20 years or more. I'm one of those SGA men, and I'm not the only one.

Elder Henry B. Eyring spoke about marriage in his April 1998 conference talk. He wasn't talking about SGA marriage issues at all, but I believe these words have everything to do with a successful SGA marriage:

"All of us have felt something of both union and separation. Sometimes in families and perhaps in other settings we have glimpsed life when one person put the interests of another above his or her own, in love and with sacrifice. And all of us know something of the sadness and loneliness of being separate and alone. We don’t need to be told which we should choose. We know. But we need hope that we can experience unity in this life and qualify to have it forever in the world to come. And we need to know how that great blessing will come so that we can know what we must do.

"The Savior of the world spoke of that unity and how we will have our natures changed to make it possible. He taught it clearly in the prayer He gave in His last meeting with His Apostles before His death. That supernally beautiful prayer is recorded in the book of John. He was about to face the terrible sacrifice for all of us that would make eternal life possible. He was about to leave the Apostles whom He had ordained, whom He loved, and with whom He would leave the keys to lead His Church. And so He prayed to His Father, the perfect Son to the perfect Parent. We see in His words the way families will be made one, as will all the children of our Heavenly Father who follow the Savior and His servants:

'As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.

'And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.

'Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word;

'That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, And I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me' (John 17:18–21).

"In those few words He made clear how the gospel of Jesus Christ can allow hearts to be made one. Those who would believe the truth He taught could accept the ordinances and the covenants offered by His authorized servants. Then, through obedience to those ordinances and covenants, their natures would be changed. The Savior’s Atonement in that way makes it possible for us to be sanctified. We can then live in unity, as we must to have peace in this life and to dwell with the Father and His Son in eternity."

My nature has changed through the Atonement. My SGA hasn't gone away. No married man with SGA I've ever talked to has said his has gone away either. But it has diminished. My nature has changed this way: I'm able to fully enjoy a wonderful physical, emotional and spiritual relationship with my wife. Other happily married SGA men have told me the same thing.

I stopped praying for my SGA to go away years ago. I prayed that I would be a good husband to my wife and a good father to my children. That's how the Savior has blessed me. That's how my nature has changed. That's the choice I made.

You can make that choice, too. Heavenly Father made it possible for you to make that choice by allowing His Son, our Savior, to make an Atonement for us. The Atonement gives us the opportunity to make that choice.

I just want to offer hope to those who have any desire at all to be married that you CAN do it. The Atonement makes it possible.

The choice is actually yours!

Multiple Choice, Part II

Because I believe there really are only two choices for faithful LDS men, marriage and celibacy, I also recognize how difficult and lonely both of those choices can be.

Marriage isn't supposed to be lonely, but to a man whose primary sexual attraction is to other men, I believe it can be and probably will be lonely at times, at least in the early years of a marriage.

It can and probably will always be difficult for an SGA man in a straight marriage, at least to some degree, because his SGA will always be an issue. I'm one of those SGA men who doesn't believe the attraction will ever fully go away while I'm occupying this physical body.

Since I am married, I can only suppose what it must be like to be a single man who has SGA (I don't mean to make it sound like an affliction - I have it, too). But I have many single friends, and I talk with them, and I believe I have a pretty good sense of how they feel, and the frustrations and loneliness and anger they feel. I also think I know how much they want to keep the commandments, how they love the Gospel and the Church, how they want to do what's right.

And my heart aches for them. Because they are Lost Men in the church (like the Lost Boys in Africa). They seem to have nowhere to go, no one to advocate for them. They face a serious dilemma and, I believe, some hardships. I also believe there is hope.

Single women in the Church are revered and honored; they are repeatedly mentioned in messages from the various pulpits of the Church. They are told they will have their chance to have a husband and have children in the next life. I believe that! The High Priests pick them up and take them to ward dinners and make sure their driveways are shoveled.

Single men, on the other hand, are mainly outcasts. They are usually thought of as selfish and/or gay. Sometimes both are actually the case. But never mind the fact that some single men probably shouldn't get married; some may be so far down the Kinsey scale that they would be unable to have sex with a woman - for whatever reason - and therefore would not be able to have a meaningful, appropriate relationship with her, so it would be selfish of him to marry a woman, not the opposite.

I wish the Church would make some sort of statement that a few men just shouldn't get married, and we should still treat them with love and respect, that we should include them in every aspect of church activity, and that if the Bishop says they are worthy, then they are worthy. I don't know if it's possible for the Church to make a statement like that, and I wouldn't blame them if they couldn't. They can't essentially give SGA men permission to never think about getting married. If they had done that, I'd probably still be single.

And one more thing: if two single LDS women can share a house or an apartment and not be stigmatized as being gay, still be the Relief Society President or the Young Women's President, shouldn't it be okay if two single men can share a house and still be the Sunday School President or a Priest's Quorum Advisor, as long as the Bishop says they are worthy to hold their callings (like he would need to say if they were married)? I know that's a really difficult thing to address, but somehow we need to be able to take away the stigma of assumed "gayness" when two or more righteous men live together. Maybe our society is just too juvenile to deal with that right now.

Now here is another dilemma: If the Church didn't really push - strongly encourage - some of us SGA men to get married, would we? If we answer that question honestly, I bet some of would probably say no. I'd probably be one of them.

Yet here I am, over 20 years later, and I am eternally grateful that I did choose to get married. I am incredibly happy. I'm hopelessly in love with my wife. We have a great physical relationship. I have incredible children. I have a very strong testimony of the Gospel and of the Church. And I'm still SGA.

I know I'm not alone. I know of many other men who are in the same boat as I am, and we're all rowing in the same direction. I honestly don't think we're that unique. We were scared to death to get married. We loved our wives, but the physical part of the relationship was quite different from what we believed other couples probably was. The thought of having sex terrified us. Somehow we lived through it; it became pleasurable for us. We're probably still different from other couples that way, but who cares? It works for us! We're happy and we love each other.

I want to give hope to those of you who are afraid to get married. There are several SGA'ers out there who have decided they don't want to or need to be married anymore. I'm really sorry for them. I feel bad they feel they have reached the "point of safe return" (to quote Elder Uchtdorf's conference talk). But just because a few marriages didn't work out, don't give up hope. Look at my marriage and the marriages of quite a few others in SGA-land, both male and female. We have made it work because we want to and because the Savior helps us.

He wants to help you, too!

Multiple Choice

Some MoHo bloggers would have us believe that we have only one choice.

If we're (choose your terminology) Gay, Homosexual, Same-Gender Attracted or Same-Sex Attracted, we must either deny our "true selves", which they believe is impossible, or we must live our lives congruent with (that is to say, act on) our feelings.

I disagree with them. I believe we can understand and (sometimes) appreciate the way we feel while not denying those feelings. Sometimes they are almost unbearably strong. But just because we acknowledge them, we don't have to act on them. I know that's much, much easier said than done, but that's not my point.

Are we denying ourselves, our true selves, if we don't act on our feelings, our attractions, our passions? Tell that to the wonderful single women in the church who will never have the opportunity to get married in this life. Do we really believe they enjoy leading celibate, often lonely lives? I'm not female, but I'm married to one, and I know she has a desire to have sex, just like I do.

It makes it easy if you decide the Brethren are misguided or out of touch. For those of us who believe they are inspired and guided by the Lord, who sustain them as Prophets, it isn't that
simple.

Here's my point: If you believe the teachings of the Church and that it is led by a living prophet, you have two choices. You can do what I and many others have done: find a wonderful, patient, understanding, compassionate woman who you can love and who will love you. It isn't at all easy, but it is absolutely worth it. The joy of marriage and having children is so profound, it is indescribable. I've written about the challenges, both physical and emotional, as have several other MoHo bloggers, of a mixed-orientation marriage.

The other choice, admittedly much more difficult, but the only one that is still in keeping with the tenets of the Gospel, is to lead a single, celibate life, like the many faithful single sisters of church do.

Many LDS (and non-LDS) SGA men feel absolutely no attraction to women; I know that. In fact, many are repulsed at the idea of having sex with a woman.

The ultimate choice is this: Do you believe we have a living prophet? If so, you have two choices: to marry or not in this life. If you do not believe we have a living prophet, you have one choice: you can do anything you want.

Life is Fragile

Life is fragile. We never know when it will change. One day things go along like any other day. The next moment something is different. Maybe that change will be small. Perhaps the change will bring about something so profound it will impact your life forever.

Sometimes when people talk about how life is fragile they're usually talking about a surprise -the kind of surprise no one likes to receive. Maybe it's news about a serious illness or an accident or a premature baby or a sudden death. All of them remind us that, indeed, life is fragile.

But life is temporary. At least life as we think of it here in mortality. We were born, we mature and we will die. We went through various stages like childhood, adolescence, young adulthood. We remember things about our childhood, some of them pleasant, perhaps some of them not. We lived through our awkward adolescent years. Some of us are parents now, and we recall more of our childhood by watching our own children grow.

I'm not so concerned about the frailty of my life as I am for the lives of those around me. I don't want my wife's or my childrens' lives to be fragile; I want them to be sturdy and strong and indestructible. Of course that's not the way Heavenly Father's plan works.

When it comes down to it, most everything about our mortal existence is fragile. Our bodies are fragile, our minds are fragile, sometimes our spirits, our testimonies, our commitments to each other are fragile.

But when those unexpected and usually unwanted "surprises" come, I hope we're (I'm) strong enough to get on my knees and rely on the Savior. I may be fragile but He is not. He took upon Himself all things so He would know how to succor us.

Alma 7:11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

It's His strength that makes us able to bear the harshness of mortal life. Otherwise, our frailty would ultimately cause us to fail this mortal test.